WHY I AM NOT MARRIED – 10 Responses I finally have to your Question!

It never ceases to amaze me the gumption and nerve of people who love to ask you the most awkward questions ever.  So in case you fall into this category I want you to know The “So Why are you not married?” question is just as annoying as the” Why have you put on so much weight?” question. Like honestly what do you want the person to say? Do you think this question makes for a great talking piece, NEWSFLASH! It doesn’t.!

People ask this question as if it is as simple as going to the store and buying some juice. “So how come you aren’t married yet?” “You know I forgot to do that yesterday, it just totally slipped my mind, but tomorrow I’ll swing down to the store, grab me a spouse, find a priest and get hitched, I really don’t know what I was thinking!” Like seriously stop asking such a complex and intimate question, when I highly doubt you are prepared for the real answer.

An to be honest I’m tired of staring at you like a dear in headlights because I simply can’t believe that you don’t know me at all but want to ask me such an intimate and personal question.  However after having this question repeatedly asked, I decided to pray about my response instead of simply getting irritated about it once again.

Therefore my time with God has led me to share these responses with you… 

1.      God’s will is above mine: When I accepted Christ, I no longer became the author and finisher of my life. My decisions have to be Christ led so even though I could have been married many years ago. I could not ignore the still voice in my head that said it just wasn’t right.

2.      I had to fall in love with me: I didn’t always understand who God created me to be. God had to prune me, separate me and help me learn who he created me to be before he could bless me with somebody.                                          

3.      I refuse to settle: No, contrary to popular belief, I’m not picky, I just know who I am, I know what I value, I understand my purpose and if we don’t have connection on that level than it’s simply not meant to be. A cute face, a great job and a lot of money may fulfill earthly desires and a few other hearts. However I want so much more than a check list. I’m waiting on my King

4.      I REFUSE to date Mr. right now: Men and Women are sometimes so afraid to be alone, so afraid to be asked the hard questions, so afraid to spend time getting to know themselves. They stay in relationships that they know will be hell if it ever led to marriage, but it’s good for right now, so I’ll stay. I have someone to go on dates with “right now”, I have someone to cuddle with “right now” until Mr. or Mrs. Right now, become Mr. or Mrs.” Well why not” and the light bulb doesn’t hit until you’re a few years into marriage staring at divorce papers. I don’t want that to happen to me and that’s why I refuse to date Mr. Right now

5.      I made some detours throughout life: I didn’t always live how God wanted me to and there are some days living for God is still hard for me to do, if I had always trusted His voice would I have been married right now? Maybe yes, maybe no, God can accelerate time whenever He wants to, so who knows. However I do believe that we have to go through some things longer than we may have had to if we had just been obedient in the first place. The Israelites took 40 years to complete an 11day journey, you do the math.

6.      I only plan to get married ONCE: Marriage isn’t something I want to enter lightly and if I don’t feel a peace about dating you, then I definitely won’t feel a peace about marrying you.  Social Media, my biological clock nor the constant question of “Why are you not married?” will not drive me into a marriage that I am crying to get out of two years later. Marriage is for life and therefore I don’t plan to do it twice. I’m not up for a game of monkey see, monkey do. The statement “Most people your age are married” doesn’t sting me because most people my age are also married and unhappy, yet try to fool the world with their social media pictures. I’m not getting married to keep up with the Jones’; I want my marriage to be connected to my purpose.

7.      I want to marry my partner in purpose: I use to want to get married to have someone to raise children with, to have someone to tell about my day and rub my feet when I had a long one. And Even though those things aren’t wrong, that’s not all marriage is. A friend once asked me what if you couldn’t have children and your husband worked crazy hours and wasn’t always able to be there at the end of the day, would you still want to get married. This was the first time I realized that God didn’t design marriage just so that you wouldn’t be lonely and able to have a “legal” way to procreate. God created each of us with a purpose and I genuinely believe the person you marry is someone you can connect and live out that purpose with.  I don't want perfection, I just want a godly connection. How can our love for each other help to build the kingdom of God is what I want my marriage to be about one day.

8.      I understand that just because he is a great guy, it doesn’t mean he is my guy: Have you ever heard someone say “You two should date, yall would go great together”. “No thanks!” There is nothing wrong with him, and trust me If I say no, it’s because I’ve already prayed about him and I don’t feel a peace. It means that I have already tried the spirit and I’m not speaking off of air, I know it’s not right. I have had many guys who I have partnered with in projects that have been simply amazing and I know that the bond we shared is a bond that I would one day love to have with my future husband, but that and so much more. I can’t miss out on that “so much more” because I refused to be patient and wait on God’s best for me. Sometimes people are simply in your life to teach you something new, give you a new perspective or just be a really good friend and that’s ok. Every good guy isn’t your guy!

9.      God still has some things for me to learn – After 8 years of hating my job, I finally got the call I had been waiting for. I screamed, danced and smiled so much, you would think I just won the lottery (maybe that’s how I will be on my wedding day, who knows lol). The point is, at some point during my obsession of finding a new job I realized that God wouldn’t move me into a new job until I completed what I needed to do at my first job. I still had things to learn and lives to touch. There are lives I am able to touch as a single person that I wouldn’t be able to touch at that level if I was married. So if I am still in this season, it just means that God has some more things for me to do while I am here and that’s ok with me.

10.  Everything is beautiful in its time- I’m simply not in that season yet. I’m currently in a season where I’m learning and enjoying a new job, where I am taking in the new experiences of living on my own and learning a new city, all of which are really great seasons. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married, it just means that I’m ok with that season not being here yet.

Like many single people I have good days and bad days. I’m not perfect and I’m not super human, but I am wise enough to know there are some really great things about this season that I will miss if I ever get married. Yes I said if, as my first point stated my life is not my own and if I desire God’s will above my own, I have to be willing to accept if He called me to a life of singleness. Yes for me the “wedding planner” this will be hard pill to swallow, I won’t lie, but I do believe that His will, will always be better than mine. God sees what we can’t see.

Everyone admires the story of Ruth and how she found her Boaz. However most people don’t realize that Ruth had no clue there was a Boaz in her future. In fact when Naomi told her to leave her and go back to her city so that she could re marry she refused to leave.  Ruth told Naomi “Where you go, I’ll go, your people will be my people and your God will be my God”. Ruth didn’t choose a man when she lost her husband, she chose Christ. She chose to follow the God of Naomi even if it meant that she would be single for the rest of her life. How many of us are willing to take that chance and be ok with whatever Christ decides.  

So you see the reason I am so irritated at the question is because finding a husband and getting married isn’t my focus. In full transparency for a long time it really was. It was something I struggled with until I realized if I wanted to live and not just survive. I needed to struggle to focus on Christ. If this has been a struggle for you or a point of frustration every time someone asks you this question, continue to pray for Christ to be your focus. Marriage can be a beautiful thing. However my life is in no way lacking, unfulfilling or waiting on a missing a piece, I have simply not arrived at that season yet and as I said, that’s okJ. So the next time someone ask you “Why aren’t you married?” Remind them that in Christ you are complete and if that doesn’t work, refer them to my list of 10 and tell them to choose ONE! ;)

Ruth 1: 16 But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.