THE SEASON BEFORE I WAS FOUND - Mrs. Gail Clarke

I was doing my devotion one-day last week and I was having one of those struggley days in this season of singleness and I was in need of some encouragement. I needed God to remind me that He didn't forget about me. God said I NEED you to go through this season, it is critical to where I am taking you, this is the season before you are found. That's when he gave me the title "The Season Before I was Found". God then dropped Gail's name in my spirit to feature on my blog under this title. And although Gail and I were cool, a part of me still wasn't quite sure, I was the one that needed to release this story. But I knew I had to be obedient, so I reached out to Gail. 

 That conversation when I invited Gail to be this month's feature not only removed every bit of apprehension, it took the friendship we began to build back in 2013 to a new level. After doing this blog and stalking through Gail's pictures lol. I realized Gail was around from 2010. Very unassuming but very much there. When I started noticing Gail in 2013, it was because I truly admired her commitment to God and how devoted she was to chasing purpose. However, it wasn't until I read her testimony that I truly appreciated her journey. This is when I realized how much God was preparing her, stripping her and molding her into the wife she would one day become. Gail's testimony is so worth the read, it encouraged me in so many ways, it was unbelievable! It was God's reminder to me that I have not forgotten about you, every bit of this journey is purposeful and you are exactly where you are meant to be. Therefore, I hope that Gail's testimony will bless you just as much as it has blessed me! 

Gail's Testimony! 

I can vividly recall the last "argument" I had with God regarding my ex. "Don't you know how much work I've put in? Why should I give all that up for someone else to benefit from MY hard work?!" I knew he wasn't the one. I knew the relationship was over. God's peace had lifted long ago, and I was literally tormented in my mind and willingly blinded by my own rebellion. But I had poured so much of myself into the relationship, I couldn't believe what God was telling me to do. I was ready to marry him, and I made sure to portray myself in a wifely light every chance I got-I cooked, I cleaned, I supported, if I had it, "we" had it. I had given literally EVERYTHING: My time, my resources, my love and emotions and yes, even my virginity to the very same man that God was telling me to let go of. Quite frankly, I thought it was downright audacious of Him.  He had gotten saved, we had stopped having sex and were trying to do things right-wasn't that enough?? 

A season when I was telling God what was best for me! 

The day I walked away from that relationship, my heart felt like it had been blowtorched, then ripped to shreds. But the turmoil in my spirit went from a raging sea to flat calm in less than an instant. It was that peace in the midst of all of my pain that would enable me to keep putting one foot in front of the next. I decided to take the next year for myself. I didn't want a man to look at me, much less talk to or touch me. I rededicated my life back to God, and began to seek him, and in that seeking I began to find myself. My process was far from over, though. In the next few months I would lose my mother, my work visa in the US would expire and I had to leave my job, my church and my friends to come home to Grand Bahama's anemic economy and a new normal. My life had officially been turned inside out.

My Mother's Funeral 

Back home, surrounded by my family, I felt alone and depressed. I had grown apart from the friends I had before college, and I spent most of my free time in my room, writing, reading my bible and talking to, or crying out to God. Something beautiful was happening with our relationship and I began to experience His love in tangible ways. During this time, I began talking to a guy who I had met shortly before moving home. He was sweet, loved the Lord, hard working and had a few things going for himself. At first, I wasn't really into him but he was so persistent that as time went on I thought "Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe it's just one of those cases where I wasn't attracted to him in the beginning" (like those countless stories I hated hearing about from tons of different Christian women). He was a good man, and that's what was most important, right? WRONG. This is where I learned that every good man is not good for you. If you think it's hard to walk away from a broken relationship, just try walking way from the guy who seems like he has it all together. It's much harder, and although we weren't in a relationship, it was still hard to accept because I couldn't understand why God's peace wasn't there-why was He telling me that this was not it? This guy treated me like the world, and here God was once again saying "No, daughter".  

A season of Letting Go

Days turned into months, months turned into years and before I knew it, my year of singleness had turned into 3. A coworker of mine introduced me to someone, and I thought "Eh, what the heck? It'll be cool to have someone to hang out with. I was finally at the point where I had started to enjoy being single and was discovering my purpose in God and things were good. That is, until I started catching feelings. I mean the chemistry was crazy-I was so attracted to this guy! We had a great time hanging out, we talked all the time, he never pressured me for anything and I saw that accursed "P" word all over him: POTENTIAL. There was only one teeny, tiny problem with this whole thing: The brother was not saved. This time God didn't have to tell me anything-I knew this wouldn't work, couldn't work because the very thing that I refused to compromise on was the very thing that he lacked. And yet... I couldn't pull myself away. I was weak. It wasn't that I felt lonely, but there were moments when I felt so alone. It felt good to have someone to talk to, someone in my corner. Support. He wanted a relationship and I just couldn't justify it in my mind, but I couldn't pull myself away either. I told God that if this wasn't it, then He would have to cut it off, because I was too tired and weak to do it. A few weeks later, the guy called me and cut things off. I bawled my eyes out that night because even though I knew it was God, I knew I never should have allowed things to get to that point. I felt broken, like I just couldn't get it right.The last thing I remember was feeling totally embraced by God, and when I woke up the next morning-I felt perfectly at peace.

God was reshifting my focus 

My 5th year of single-hood came, and by now I was fairly stable. I was 6 years celibate and I  had days that ranged from lonely to downright miserable, but by now I had developed a new circle of friends and I had sisters to lean on. I had my relationship with God to keep me stable and I was busy developing myself, and learning more and more of who I was.  I spent this period supporting friends, making new friendships and had even applied to go back to grad school. I was too busy to focus on being lonely.

A season of Friendship 

 I figured my husband was definitely not Bahamian, which was A-Ok with me. With 7 billion people on the planet-why limit myself to such a small pool? I recall a conversation with God where I was writing down my list of things that I wanted in a mate, and I said "You know what Lord, I really don't see the problem with wanting the full package." His response was lightening quick: "Are you the full package?"...Was that shade, Jesus? (It wasn't). I knew that He was showing me an important truth: You can't ask for what you aren't willing to offer. 

A season of developing my purpose

My list wasn't particularly long. I tried to make it as "no frills" as I could, while still being truthful about what I wanted. I had already dated the model/athlete, the charming corporate-ladder climber, and Mr. Good Man. And while those things do have their place, they weren't top priority. I decided that if a man didn't have a living, breathing relationship with God-I wouldn't give him the time of day. No more playing Captain-Save-a-Wretch for me. And I decided to stop auditioning for the role of wife (there are no medals for being the #1 Wife to a man who is not your husband-sorry ladies). I wanted someone who loved God, dreamed big, and would accept me for who I was. Oh, and I needed to find him attractive. (#ComeThruJesus). People told me I couldn't find a man who is educated, stable, loves God and is faithful. I was asking for too much. In other words, settle. And those thoughts almost took root. 

Make-up Show in New York - A season of pursuing purpose

If I said I didn't have moments where I wondered "God, when is it my turn?" How come this is happening for this person? I just KNOW they aren't even doing things the right way (#lightweighthater) , and here I am struggling along!" I would be a bold faced liar. I was mostly content, but sometimes the struggle felt a little more real than I could handle. I would become frustrated in my spirit and say, " God, I mean seriously- how long do you think I can struggle with this?! This is rough! I can't do this forever. Give me a break!". Don't get me wrong-my friendships with my girlfriends and covenant sisters were great, but was it too much to ask for some testosterone, someone I could pour out to and pour into, connect with in love and purpose and finally enjoy guiltless sex with?

Waiting on that Season like please COMETHRU JESUS! 

I had prayed a prayer though, that would not only change the way I viewed the timeline of God, but it would also remove my focus off of other people. After coming out of unhealthy relationships, and watching others, I concluded that the only thing worse than being in a wrong relationship would be to enter the right one at the wrong time and mess it up because you aren't ready. And so I prayed "God whatever you have for me, whatever it might be-if I am not ready to handle it, please don't give it to me." I meant that prayer with every bone in my body. And on those days where I felt alone, or impatient or struggled in my flesh,  He would bring that prayer back to mind. It took the pressure off of me to "be ready", and allowed me to become ready. Instead of being so focused on the destination, I focused on the process. My time would come when He knew I was good and ready.

A season of patience and family time 

There was a conversation I had with a sister of mine, after one of our exchanges about the struggle that single hood could be. I said to her "You know what? By this time next year we will not be single anymore." We laughed, but came into agreement and I had no clue how prophetic that statement would turn out to be.

In the Single Struggle together, Circa. 2012

The day I met my husband, there was no "Aha" moment. No clouds rolled back in the sky as a pronouncement of God's blessing. We were both invited by a mutual friend (Hey Kerel lol) to a radio show to help promote  a series on The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating. Because I was passionate about healthy dating and relationships, I was super excited to help promote it. I remember answering a question about soul mates, not knowing that I was sitting about 10 feet away from mine. He was simply another Bahamian guy. He was nice enough to look at and by the way he spoke he sounded sensible enough, but if someone had told me in that moment that he was going to be my husband, I would have told them no. He wasn't on my radar, and I wasn't on his, plus my future husband was not even going to be from the Bahamas-he was from Europe, or something. 

                         

When your future husband is sitting a few rows ahead of you and you don't even know

New Rules Conference 2013 - Wenrick (Husband) in White, Gail - in Red, 

A few days later, he added me on Facebook. Well this wasn't a big deal, because everyone from the show added each other since it was cool to connect with like-minded people. A few days later, I was working late and I saw that he was online, so I messaged him just to say "Hey, I hope all is well".  I had zero expectations beyond friendship (because Europe, remember?), but that one greeting turned into conversation after conversation. It felt like I had known him for years. The fact that I had no expectation of things developing made it very easy to communicate. I could be 100% authentic, because I wasn't putting on a show in hopes that he would like me. I was simply being me-laying out the good, the bad and the ugly. I mean what was he going to do? Not be friends with me?  *shrugs* 

A Season of being Authentically ME! 

After a few months of talking to him, I admitted to myself that I had started to like this guy. About three months into talking to him-I knew that he was someone that I could marry, but I didn't know that he would be the one-he simply had husband potential (I'd dated husband potential before and God still told me no). Since I don't like taking a beat down for the same thing over and over I proceeded with extreme caution. I had already leveled with God "The next guy I get into a relationship with,will be my husband. And if it's not him, remove him." I didn't have time for anymore failed attempts, I was over the cycle of playing deaf to God saying "No" and then getting burned, and also I didn't want to block my European husband. 

A Season of Dating 

I told all of my gatekeepers about him. I JUST KNEW that someone would see something in the spirit and say nope, keep it moving. I prayed to God, but there was no disturbance in the force.  It was a little scary to be honest. But the PEACE of God was present, and as our friendship grew, I began to see the bigger picture. I saw where purpose would meet purpose, and I saw where God would use our weaknesses and strengths to build each other up. Of course, this courtship wasn't without it's challenges. Remember that whole celibacy thing? Well it's so much easier when you're single (duh)! But I was absolutely determined to go into this relationship with a sober mind, and without the euphoria and the blinders that come along with being sexually intimate. I wasn't about to get back on that crazy train, especially not after waiting for so many years! 

A Season of remaining Sober 

Wenrick's convictions were not as strong as mine in that area, and so you can imagine the challenges this presented. While he supported me, and never tried to guilt me into anything, he was very transparent about his struggles and I couldn't necessarily count on him to be the strong one all the time if we had a moment of weakness. If I was going to do this, it would take the grace of God, and a focused use of my stubbornness. We had chemistry, there was no denying that. And there were many, many times when I wanted to just ask for God's forgiveness later. There were times when I tried very hard to ignore the still small voice and give in to my flesh, and just throw all caution to the wind. And I very nearly succeeded at doing just that.

Ready to throw Caution to the Wind - The Struggle was REAL! 

The very day of my proposal, we were on a cruise. I was weighed down by Wenrick's frustration, and my own. I was struggling. We spent time apart that morning-I just thought he wanted alone time, not realizing he was praying and planning a proposal. I had breakfast with God and I began to pour out my frustrations. "This is so hard God, I'm feeling like I want to give in. I'm tired of having to fight with his feelings and my own.... but you know what, Lord. It was just me and you for 5 years." I started to feel defiant. "If I have to do this for another 5, then let's do it. And if he doesn't want to wait then he can keep it moving. I'm good." I prayed until I felt the peace of God. He had my back. That was all I need to be reminded of. Well about 5 hours later I said "Yes" to my now husband. Sometimes God will allow you to go through in order to see what your response will be. You may not always have a perfect response, but can you remain faithful under fire? Are you willing to walk away from what you want, if that's what it takes?

A Season of giving my WILL back over to GOD! 

I asked Wenrick one day after we were already married if he thought that we would have been able to make it all the way to the altar without sleeping together. His response was " At first no. I thought that eventually you'd break down and give in. And then when I saw that wasn't happening, I began to wonder if I could really do this? Then I started to admire the fact that you were doing the right thing. Then it made me want to follow you in that." That reply alone made it worth the wait.

A season of Engagement 

Should you find yourself in a season of waiting; You're working, you're faithful, you're living out your purpose and you feel like your time should be now. God knows when you are actually ready-and in his infinite love for us, he will never give us something before we are ready for it. He doesn't want us to shipwreck. Know that the counterfeit will always show up before the real thing-recognize it and don't allow your loneliness to cause you to miss out on what God truly has for you. 

In the engagement season together Circa 2015

Follow the peace of God, not your emotions. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be disobedient and distracted during my season of singleness. Not only did it cause me heartbreak, but it could have caused me to miss out on God's best for my life.  You see, when God tells you no, it's not that He is trying to make you miserable- it's often His way of saying that there is something much better on the other side of your waiting. God didn't give me a good husband, or even a great one. He gave me an amazing one. He simply blew my mind. If I had to wait another 5 years, he would have been worth every second of it. And finally know that yes, it is possible to do things God's way. I am living proof of that. If a man loves God, loves you, and values who you are, he WILL wait. Trust that.

The One He kept for me, until it was Time - The Season when I was FOUND!