I’m in PAIN!!! What’s My Purpose Again ?

Can I be real for a minute? I was supposed to write this blog last night but I had absolutely no motivation. I knew the month of January was supposed to be about purpose, but the enemy had been attacking me lately and honestly lately he had been winning. Last  night I watched Sarah’s Wedding hoping my accomplishment from this would put me back in the mood to write about purpose, but again NOTHING! I had good laugh at my amazing cast but the words weren't there, so I went to sleep. Today I woke up and the bad mood seemed as if it had gotten worse.

I’ll be a little more transparent for a minute. Tomorrow makes exactly two years from the day I started my year commitment to not date for a year. I don’t regret one minute of this commitment or the journey it took me on. The amount of lessons I learned, things I saw, lives I got to touch and the purpose I found is simply irreplaceable. However I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope that God would place someone in my life once the ONE year challenge was finally complete. I mean you know what is a whole year? lol Anyway I just wanted the simple list, you know saved, attractive, ambitious, purpose driven guy that’s all, was that really too much to ask?

Well let’s just say I sit here today, just as single as the day I started this commitment TWO years ago, the first year was for God I don’t know who the 2^nd one was for, so I guess that one was for him too.  Long story short, let’s just say these last few days wasn’t one of the days when I was too happy about it. Funny thing is in this department, lately I had been the optimistic one, assuring my other single female friends that everything happens in God’s time and that this season would soon past. See I got so busy in my single season, I rarely had these days. A guy hits on me every day, but when you know, you just know, you know and well I just didn’t know yet, but I wasn’t worried, I knew God still had me covered so I was doing me.

Until the enemy showed me that calendar a few days ago and laughed and said it’s been two years now boo, where is this “Adam”? ( Boaz, Adam, call him what you like, doesn't really matter, just a name Christian women give the man God has purposed for them, in this case Adam is your rib, however whatever it is you call him, him wasn’t here) so yeah, he taunted saying, "Where is this “Adam” you love to speak of?" Chile after that I don’t know what jump up in me, these last few days I couldn't even encourage myself. It may also be coupled with the fact that I am a few months from the big 30 and was having a Charlotte off Sex and the city, Joan off Girlfriends moment. But no matter what kind of moment it was being single at this juncture in my life just wasn't in the plans.  

On my ride to work I began to try and convince God that I would be ok with another plan. I said Lord I know there is a lot that you have for me to do and a lot you have already given me to do through, my writing, production, acting and event planning skills but Lord if I had a “normal” job (what is a normal job anyway, sigh I digress), but yea a normal job, a husband and two children and you could google me and find nothing at all, I would still be fine ya know.  God quickly reminded me of one of the most profound lines in Rick Warren’s “What on Earth Am I here for? The Purpose Driven Life” book, and the line simply states “It’s not about YOU!!” once again this line hit me like a ton of bricks, like it did the first time I read it.

 This was the line that catapulted me on this journey two years ago.  I saw everything that was broken about me and gave it to God. My life wasn't my own, and I forgot it still isn't. Yet as we can see, there are still days I struggle with the pain. You see almost 4 years ago I made a mistake that caused me to lose someone very important to me. The pain I went through still stings me today. The enemy constantly tries to find a way to torture me by saying, what if you didn't mess everything up, What if?  The sting of this pain isn't always easy so when talking to one of my girls today who asked me to share one of my testimonies for a project she had coming up, I turned in to negative Nancy. I told her I can’t encourage anyone today, I can’t even encourage myself. I told her go find a success story; I’m staring at 30 and romantically nowhere close where I thought I would be, I am NOT the one.  I’ve had my good days, but today wasn't the day and I wasn't ready to share my pain.

A few minutes later I passed a co worker who told me about some T.D.Jakes sermons she had listened to recently. We have never talked about T.D. Jakes sermons before, how did we get talking about that today. I told her to name some of them, because today isn't a good day and I’ll probably need to listen to one of those when I get home. This one title stuck out like a sore thumb, “Nothings Just HAPPENS”, you got to be kidding me, just like her telling me about that sermon didn't "just happen". My face started to light up and I didn't even watch it yet.  God saw me struggling and He set me right up. I got home and started it and I wept on my couch painful tears for the whole hour like a big baby. Covered in smeared eyeliner, heart aching from God tugging at my heart after flying up in His face for the last two days, He said “My child I told you I haven’t forgotten about you.”

It's Time NOW, to Turn back to God - Tye Tribbett

God told me a long time ago, your pain is wrapped up in your purpose. Despite how it may seem I am not a fan of telling the world my business, but as a writer I know sharing my testimony is a part of my gift, God said I sent you through it, because I want you to tell people how I brought you through it. I often say to God but my life isn't a fairy tale, how is this going to bring anybody hope. God reminded me through the sermon this afternoon when T.D Jakes said, God didn't make a mistake: He knows how old you are, He knows the mistakes you made, He knows how much time you spent on your knees with Him, He knows who walked out of your life, He knows who left and it didn't just happen! NOTHING JUST HAPPENS!”

So when you are at a point that I was today and you start telling God "I am confused where is the good in all of this, how long must I be faithful before it be my turn?" Remember God wants you to be patient. Trust me God is up to something. I often have days where I need to be reminded that my pain has fueled my writing, my passion and the avenues to release my gift. We all have a gift, we all have a talent and maybe you will have to go through some pain to release yours and maybe you just need to dig deep and say “God WHAT on EARTH AM I HERE FOR?” It’s not just happened stance you’re here on earth, there is an assignment that God called ONLY you to do, your spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, experiences, everything that you have endured up until this point has positioned you to fulfill your purpose.

 God  didn’t forget about you either. The bible says, the steps of a righteous man are ordered. I may have never met my man-made timeline, Maybe you had man- made timeline for a new job, a baby, living in your own place, your own business or a wife, yet God had other plans. If this is you, I just want to encourage you in the lesson I had to learn all over again today. The timeline God has for us will be so much better than our own. God took the time to send someone to tell me about a sermon I REALLY needed to listen to, when I was at one of my lowest, he sent a message in order for me to  hear from him. When I was too broken to encourage myself, God reminded me that everyday isn't going to be sunshine, but that doesn't change the fact that I was created for a purpose and God will never stop holding my hand, with His strength he will see me through and if you are willing to trust Him, He will do the same thing for you.....

If you are going through a rough season, one where you feel a certain path, painful moment or mistake you made has caused God to forget about you,  I urge you to watch T.D. Jakes: “Nothing Just Happened Sermon”:

And If you are struggle with the question “Why am I even here?”, or have said; “My life just has to have more meaning that this” and you really want God to reveal his purpose for you to you. I urge you pick up Rick Warren’s “What on Earth am I here for? The Purpose Driven Life” and let God move in your life in a mighty way. It’s an easy daily journey that encourages you to only read 3 to 4 pages a day and trust me; you will not regret purchasing it.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me,  if this blog has touched your life in anyway please feel free to share it with those you love or email me at kerelpinder@gmail.com and share with me how it has touched your life in some way. 

Always praying for you! 

~Kerel~